stupidity

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   We have a standard 6ft fence in the backyard, a few months ago I heard about burglaries increasig dramatically in the area.  To make sure this never happened to me I got an electric fence and ran a single wire allong the top of the fence.

Actually I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26 miles of fence.  I then used an 8 ft long ground rod and drove it 7.5 feet into the ground.  The ground rod is the key with the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works.

Now with all this snow, I'm blowing out the driveway with my el-cheapo 6hp snowblower.  The hot wire is broken and running down the fence I can see.  I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger.  I pushed the blower around the wire and reached down to grab it and throw it out of the way.

It seams as though I hadn't rembered to unplug it after all.

Now I'm standing there, I've got a running snowblower in my right hand and the 2+ giga-volt fence wire in the other hand.  Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a small microwave and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover.

Time stood still.

The first thing I notice is my wee wee trying to climb up the front side of my body.  My ears curled downwards and I could feel the snowblower ignition fireing int he backside of my brain.  Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over I could feel spark in my head.  I was literally at one with the engine.

It seams as though the fence charger and the heap of junk of a snowblower were fighting over who would controll my electrical impulses.

Science says you cannot excrete, pee, and vomit at the same time.  I beg to differ.  Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowls emptied 3 different times in less than half a second.  It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping allong and you're all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times.  It seemed like there were minutes in between, but in reality it was so close toghather it was like exhaust pulses from a bib block Chevy turning 8 grand.

At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire.  My hand is wrapped around the wore palm down so I can't let go.  I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences.......but dad always had those junk chargers made by Red Snapper or whoever that were like 9 volts and just knida tickled.  This one, I could not let go of.  The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the permadamp slush, snow and soil mix.  At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take it, untill the snowblower runs out of gas.

Then I rember, I think in suspended animation, I just filled the tank!

Now the Briggs is starting to run rough.  It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it has some kind of big go kart race cam in it.  Covered in poop, pee and with my own vomit on my chest I think "Oh God please die... Pleeeeaze die".  But noooo, it settles into a rough lumpy cam dle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam high rise motor waiting for the go command from its owners right foot.

So here I am in the middle of December, 20 degrees standing in the driveway begging God to kill me.  God did not take me that day..... he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity has created.

I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire... I woke up laying on the ground hours later.  The snowblower was beside me, out of gas.  The sun was setting and my hands are frostbitten.

There's two baren spots where I had been standing, and a burn mark on the fence where the wire has made contact to the wood.  I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing I has somehow let go of the wire.

Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep, I realized a few things:

1.  Three of my teeth seem to have melted.

2.  I now have cramps in teh bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek, not the left, just the right.  

3.  So much for the rumor about rubber footwear protectiong from electric shock.

4.  Poop, pee and vomit when all mixed togather do not smell as bad as you may think.

5.  My left eye will not open.

6.  My right eye will not close.

7.  The snowblower runs like a sumbich now.  Seriously!  I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than new after that.

8.  I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting.  I still don't understand this??

That day changed my life.  I now have a newfound respect for things..... electric things.  I appreciate the little things more and now I alwayse triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before going outside.

The good news is that if a burgler does try to come over the fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and that gibes me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to tripple check before I send my wife out near the fence.

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