Let's have some grins,,,,,,

New girl started working at the bakery. She was young and pretty and built just right. She was wearing a very short mini skirt.
First Sis timer in line sees her and starts thinking.
She asks what he wants. He looks way up on the top shelf and says I’d like a loaf of raisin bread. She rolls the ladder over and climbs up to get the bread.
Next customer sees what’s going on.
She asks him what he wants. He says I’d also like a loaf of raisin bread. She rolls the ladder back over and climbs up to get the bread.
Third customer is an older man. She looks at him and asks, is it raisin for you too? He says no but it’s twitching a little.😊

A couple owned a men's clothing store. A woman came in to look at some men's pants on the upper shelf which was hard for her to see. The owner's wife said, Why don't you take your pants down, Sammy, and show the lady what you have.

joe, when you get to old to wrench, you can get a job doing StandUP at the local bar !! 

A guy who owned a local tire shop who has since passed on told me of a local paper that kept sending their advertisement salesman to get him to put an ad in the paper. He got tired of them pressuring him so finally he said I'll buy an ad if you let me write it. Guy says sure and got his pen and paper out. Rick said " If you and I can't get together on a deal for tires bring your wife back and we'll Dicker! Man put his pen and paper away and left!

Notes from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:

Recently I was honoured to be selected as an outstanding famous celebrity in Texas, to be a judge at a Chili cook-off, because no one else wanted to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me that I could have free beer during the tasting. So I accepted.

Here are the scorecards from the event:

CHILI # 1: MIKE'S MANIC MONSTER CHILI

JUDGE ONE: A little to heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.

JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.

FRANK: Holy Sh☆t, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with this stuff. I needed two beers to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. Those Texans are crazy.

CHILI # 2: ARTHUR'S AFTERBURNER CHILI

JUDGE ONE: Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.

JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavour. Needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave of two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre. They had to walkie-talkie in three extra beers when they saw the look on my face.

CHILI # 3: FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.

JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili. A bit salty. Good use of red peppers.

FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting sh☆t-faced.

CHILI # 4: BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC

JUDGE ONE: Black Bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods. Not much of a chili.

FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb b▪︎tch is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear-waste I'm eating.

CHILI # 5: LINDA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can no linger focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly from a pitcher onto it. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Freakin' Rednecks! ! !

CHILI # 6: VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.

JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions and garlic.

FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!

CHILI # 7: SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum. Tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge # 3.

FRANK: You could put a GRENADE in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like sh☆t, to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the four inch hole in my stomach.

CHILI # 8: HELEN'S MOUNT SAINT CHILI

JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending. This is a nice blend chili, safe for all; not too bold, but spicy enough to declare its existence.

JUDGE TWO: This final entry isa good balanced chili, neither mild now hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out, fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank.

FRANK: - - - - - Mama?- - - (Editor's Note: Judge # 3 was unable to report)

Edited by KMAG - 16 Nov 2020 at 10:05pm

HILARIOUS!!!

shameless dude wrote: pay $10. and get free chili??? must be a southern thing! lol

ROTFLMAO! Kind of like paying the gas station 50 bucks and getting free gas, huh? Darrel

One day, in an effort to help stir up a class full of listless students,

Loretta asked the students to each come up and put on the blackboard something that had caused a lot of excitement around their houses lately.

Of course, Dirty Johnny was the first student to raise his hand, but Loretta knew he was going to write something dirty, so she called on Nancy instead.

Nancy went up to the board and drew a flower, stating that the flowers they’d planted that spring were all blooming, and that was causing a lot of excitement around their house.

Loretta said, ‘That’s very nice, Nancy. Okay, who wants to go next?’

Again, Dirty Johnny is waving up a storm in the back of the room, but Loretta doesn’t want to call on him because he’s going to write something dirty.

Instead, she calls on little Timmy, who goes up to the board and draws a stick figure of an animal.

‘What kind of animal is that?’ asks Loretta.

‘ That’s a puppy,’ says Timmy.

‘We just got one of those, and it’s caused a lot of excitement around our house lately.’

‘ That’s very nice, Timmy,’ she replies.

‘Who wants to go next?’

Now Dirty Johnny is waving more than ever: finally unable to ignore him any longer, Loretta says,

‘Okay, Johnny, you’re next.’

Dirty Johnny goes up to the front of the classroom and draws a single dot on the board.

‘What’s that?’ she asks (afraid of what the answer is going to be).

‘That’s a per!od,’ answers Dirty Johnny.

‘My sister’s missed two of those, and you can bet that’s caused a lot of excitement around OUR house!’