A LONG JOKE

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   A Montana cowboy was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud toward him.
The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?" The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Iphone cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Ipad that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves." "That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says the cowboy. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car. Then the cowboy says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?" "You're a Congressman in the U.S. government," says the cowboy. "Wow, that's correct," says the yuppie. "But how did you guess that?" "No guessing required," answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you, you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are, and you don't know a thing about cows. This is a herd of sheep. Now give me back my dog."

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steve(ill) Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Orange Level Access Joined: 11 Sep 2009 Location: illinois Points: 85687	Post Options Post Reply Quote steve(ill) Report Post Thanks(1) Quote Reply Topic: A LONG JOKE Posted: 07 Mar 2022 at 7:37pm
	A Montana cowboy was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud toward him. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?" The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?" The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Iphone cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Ipad that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves." "That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says the cowboy. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car. Then the cowboy says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?" The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?" "You're a Congressman in the U.S. government," says the cowboy. "Wow, that's correct," says the yuppie. "But how did you guess that?" "No guessing required," answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you, you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are, and you don't know a thing about cows. This is a herd of sheep. Now give me back my dog."
	Like them all, but love the "B"s.

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steve(ill) Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Orange Level Access Joined: 11 Sep 2009 Location: illinois Points: 85687	Post Options Post Reply Quote steve(ill) Report Post Thanks(0) Quote Reply Posted: 07 Mar 2022 at 7:41pm
	Xi and the Chinese Farmer Xi Jinping, the president of China, went to Guangxi and spoke with the governor about the fine and loyal people of China. The governor: "Fine people sure. Loyal? I don't know." Xi: "I will show you. Hey you! Come here! What do you do?" Farmer: "I'm a farmer." Xi: Let me ask you, if you had two houses, would you give one to the government? Without hesitation the farmer says yes. Xi turns to the governor with a smile. But he does not look convinced. Xi asks the farmer: "if you had two cars, would you give one to the government?" Immediate yes from the farmer. The governor then asks if he may asks a question. Xi agrees. Governor: "if you had two cows, would you give one to the government." Farmer: "No. Never. Please don't ask me that." Xi is confused: "But you'd give a house and car, why not a cow?" Farmer: "I actually have two cows."
	Like them all, but love the "B"s.

steve(ill) Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Orange Level Access Joined: 11 Sep 2009 Location: illinois Points: 85687	Post Options Post Reply Quote steve(ill) Report Post Thanks(0) Quote Reply Posted: 07 Mar 2022 at 7:43pm
	Aliens visit Earth. They come in peace and surprisingly , they speak English. Obviously, all of the heads of government and religious leaders want to speak to the aliens so they set up a meeting with our new visitors. When it's the Pope's turn, he asks: "Do you know about our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ?" "You mean JC?", responds the alien. "Yeah, we know him! He's the greatest, isn't he? He swings by every year to make sure that we are doing ok". Surprised, the pope follows up with: "He visits every year?! It's been over two millennia and we're still waiting for his SECOND coming!" The alien sees that the pope has become irate at this fact and starts trying to rationalize. "Maybe he likes our chocolate better than yours?" The pope retorts "Chocolates? What are you talking about? What does that have to do with anything?" The alien says "Yea, when he first visited our planet we gave him a huge box of chocolates! Why? What did you guys do?"
	Like them all, but love the "B"s.

steve(ill) Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Orange Level Access Joined: 11 Sep 2009 Location: illinois Points: 85687	Post Options Post Reply Quote steve(ill) Report Post Thanks(0) Quote Reply Posted: 07 Mar 2022 at 7:47pm
	The Government Employee A government employee sat in his office, and out of boredom, decided to see what was inside his old filing cabinet. He poked through the contents and came across an old brass lamp he's never seen before. "This will look good on my mantel," he said, and took it home with him. While polishing the lamp, a genie suddenly appeared. "Noble sir," he thundered. "You have three wishes you may ask of me." "Alright," said the government clerk. "I would like an ice-cold Coke right now." He gets his Coke and drinks it. Now that he can think more clearly, he states his second wish. "I wish to be on an island with beautiful women, who find me irresistible." Suddenly, he's on an island with gorgeous women eyeing him lustfully. He tells the genie his third and last wish. "I wish I'd never have to work again." Instantly, he was back in his government office.
	Like them all, but love the "B"s.

DiyDave Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Orange Level Access Joined: 11 Sep 2009 Location: Gambrills, MD Points: 53306	Post Options Post Reply Quote DiyDave Report Post Thanks(0) Quote Reply Posted: 07 Mar 2022 at 8:17pm
	Reminds me of an oldie, but goodie: A DEA Agent stopped at a ranch in Texas and talked to an old rancher. He told the rancher, “I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs.” The rancher said, “okay, but don’t go into that field over there…”, as he pointed out the location. The DEA Agent verbally exploded and said, “look mister, I have the authority of the federal government with me!” Reaching into his rear back pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. “See this badge?! This badge means I can go wherever I want… On any land! No questions asked, no answers given! Do you understand old man?!” The rancher kindly nodded, apologized, and went about his chores. Moments later the rancher heard loud screams, he looked up and saw the DEA agent running for his life, being chased by the ranchers big Santa Gertrudis Bull…… With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it was likely that he’d sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The old rancher threw down his tools, ran as fast as he could to the fence, and yelled at the top of his lungs…… “YOUR BADGE! SHOW HIM YOUR BADGE!”
	Source: Babylon Bee. Sponsored by BRAWNDO, its got what you need!

klinemar Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Orange Level Joined: 14 Sep 2009 Location: Michigan Points: 8045	Post Options Post Reply Quote klinemar Report Post Thanks(0) Quote Reply Posted: 07 Mar 2022 at 9:39pm
	A group of Animal Rights people were having a meeting in Sheep Country to inform the local Sheep Ranchers on how to control Coyote predation of their flocks. One bespectacled individual with vast knowledge of the problem stood and addressed the assembled crowd by saying the Coyote population had expanded and what was needed to solve the predation issue was birth control. An old hard looking Rancher stood,looked the bespectacled man in the eyes and said" Mr.you just don't understand "! The Coyotes ain't having sex with the Sheep! There eat'en em"!

ac hunter Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Orange Level Joined: 05 Jan 2011 Location: OHIO Points: 1038	Post Options Post Reply Quote ac hunter Report Post Thanks(1) Quote Reply Posted: 08 Mar 2022 at 7:41am
	Thanks for the great entertainment guys. Good to start the day with a laugh.

A LONG JOKE

A Montana cowboy was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud toward him.

Xi and the Chinese Farmer

Aliens visit Earth. They come in peace and surprisingly , they speak English.

The Government Employee