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Let's have some grins,,,,,, |
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desertjoe
Orange Level Access Joined: 23 Sep 2013 Location: New mexico Points: 13364 |
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Posted: 13 Nov 2020 at 4:21am |
An Englishman and an Irishman go to a bakery. The Englishman steals
three buns and puts them into his pockets and leaves. He says to the
Irishman: "That took great skill and guile to steal those buns. The
owner didn't even see me."
"That's just simple thievery," the Irishman replied. "I'll show you how to do it the honest way and get the same results." The Irishman then proceeded to call out the owner of the bakery and says: "Sir, I want to show you a magic trick." The owner was intrigued so he came over to see the magic trick. The Irishman asked him for a bun and then he proceeded to eat it. He asked two more times and after eating them again the owner says: "Okay my friend, where's the magic trick?" The Irishman then said: "Look in the Englishman's pockets. |
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desertjoe
Orange Level Access Joined: 23 Sep 2013 Location: New mexico Points: 13364 |
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his had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very
embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think
before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any!
We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have
snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: 'So Bob, where's
that 8 inches you promised me last night?' Not only did HE have to
leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!
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desertjoe
Orange Level Access Joined: 23 Sep 2013 Location: New mexico Points: 13364 |
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This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very
embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think
before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any!
We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have
snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: 'So Bob, where's
that 8 inches you promised me last night?' Not only did HE have to
leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!
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desertjoe
Orange Level Access Joined: 23 Sep 2013 Location: New mexico Points: 13364 |
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OK,,,just one more,,,, A woman walks into a pharmacy and asks "Do you sell cyanide?"
The pharmacist says," Yes, but I must ask what you are going to use it for." "I'm going to kill my husband." "Madam I cannot sell it to you for that. It's a crime and If I sell it, I'm an accomplice in the crime." The woman reaches into her purse and pulls out a picture and showed it to the pharmacist. It's a picture of her husband and the pharmacist s wife in a VERY compromising position. "Oh Well." he says. "that's different, you didn't tell me you had a prescription." |
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plummerscarin
Orange Level Access Joined: 22 Jun 2015 Location: ia Points: 3203 |
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Thad in AR.
Orange Level Access Joined: 12 Sep 2009 Location: Arkansas Points: 9309 |
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New girl started working at the bakery. She was young and pretty and built just right. She was wearing a very short mini skirt.
First Sis timer in line sees her and starts thinking. She asks what he wants. He looks way up on the top shelf and says I’d like a loaf of raisin bread. She rolls the ladder over and climbs up to get the bread. Next customer sees what’s going on. She asks him what he wants. He says I’d also like a loaf of raisin bread. She rolls the ladder back over and climbs up to get the bread. Third customer is an older man. She looks at him and asks, is it raisin for you too? He says no but it’s twitching a little.😊 |
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Thad in AR.
Orange Level Access Joined: 12 Sep 2009 Location: Arkansas Points: 9309 |
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How I’m still laughing over the first one.😂
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modirt
Orange Level Access Joined: 18 Jul 2018 Location: Missouri Points: 6739 |
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Local guy who was always down on his luck and never had two nickels to rub together dies. Most everyone in the community knew him......so several attended his wake. Grocery store owner was looking down at the casket......recalls how the guy used to come in for day old bread, and was always scrounging is pockets for nickels to pay for anything. So he pulls out his wallet and drops $100 bill in the casket to take with him to his grave. Says that will help him get by when he gets where he is going. Doctor standing next to him says the same thing. Said he always had to treat him for free as he never had money to pay for anything. So he does the same......drops $100 bill in the casket. Lawyer standing there.......has tears in his eyes. He tells the other two.....thats the kindest most generous thing I've ever seen. I so moved, I'm gonna match that and give him another $200. Problem is I don't have my wallet......so he pulls out his checkbook, writes a check for $400......drops that in the casket and picks up the bills.......tells the other tow.....guess he can just cash that when he gets there. |
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Ted J
Orange Level Joined: 05 Jul 2010 Location: La Crosse, WI Points: 18743 |
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"Allis-Express"
19?? WC / 1941 C / 1952 CA / 1956 WD45 / 1957 WD45 / 1958 D-17 |
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Billoh
Silver Level Joined: 24 Sep 2009 Location: Nashville Ohio Points: 240 |
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A couple owned a men's clothing store. A woman came in to look at some men's pants on the upper shelf which was hard for her to see. The owner's wife said, Why don't you take your pants down, Sammy, and show the lady what you have.
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desertjoe
Orange Level Access Joined: 23 Sep 2013 Location: New mexico Points: 13364 |
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With all the BS goin on these days,,,,It sure good to have something to grin aboot,,,,,,
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steve(ill)
Orange Level Access Joined: 11 Sep 2009 Location: illinois Points: 78352 |
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joe, when you get to old to wrench, you can get a job doing StandUP at the local bar !!
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Like them all, but love the "B"s.
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desertjoe
Orange Level Access Joined: 23 Sep 2013 Location: New mexico Points: 13364 |
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WHY,,,,THANK YOU,,Steve,,,,that right there may be a thought,,,but Chit,,I'd have to write everything down,,,I can't remember for chit after bout 10-15 minutes,,,kinda like ole Joe B,,,,,,
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klinemar
Orange Level Joined: 14 Sep 2009 Location: Michigan Points: 7936 |
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A guy who owned a local tire shop who has since passed on told me of a local paper that kept sending their advertisement salesman to get him to put an ad in the paper. He got tired of them pressuring him so finally he said I'll buy an ad if you let me write it. Guy says sure and got his pen and paper out. Rick said " If you and I can't get together on a deal for tires bring your wife back and we'll Dicker! Man put his pen and paper away and left!
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desertjoe
Orange Level Access Joined: 23 Sep 2013 Location: New mexico Points: 13364 |
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KMAG
Orange Level Access Joined: 26 May 2020 Location: Elizabethtown, Points: 657 |
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Notes from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:
Recently I was honoured to be selected as an outstanding famous celebrity in Texas, to be a judge at a Chili cook-off, because no one else wanted to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me that I could have free beer during the tasting. So I accepted. Here are the scorecards from the event: CHILI # 1: MIKE'S MANIC MONSTER CHILI JUDGE ONE: A little to heavy on tomato. Amusing kick. JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very mild. FRANK: Holy Sh☆t, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with this stuff. I needed two beers to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. Those Texans are crazy. CHILI # 2: ARTHUR'S AFTERBURNER CHILI JUDGE ONE: Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang. JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavour. Needs more peppers to be taken seriously. FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave of two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre. They had to walkie-talkie in three extra beers when they saw the look on my face. CHILI # 3: FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans. JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili. A bit salty. Good use of red peppers. FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting sh☆t-faced. CHILI # 4: BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC JUDGE ONE: Black Bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing. JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods. Not much of a chili. FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb b▪︎tch is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear-waste I'm eating. CHILI # 5: LINDA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive. JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement. FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can no linger focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly from a pitcher onto it. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Freakin' Rednecks! ! ! CHILI # 6: VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers. JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions and garlic. FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone! CHILI # 7: SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers. JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum. Tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge # 3. FRANK: You could put a GRENADE in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like sh☆t, to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the four inch hole in my stomach. CHILI # 8: HELEN'S MOUNT SAINT CHILI JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending. This is a nice blend chili, safe for all; not too bold, but spicy enough to declare its existence. JUDGE TWO: This final entry isa good balanced chili, neither mild now hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out, fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank. FRANK: - - - - - Mama?- - - (Editor's Note: Judge # 3 was unable to report) Edited by KMAG - 16 Nov 2020 at 10:05pm |
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klinemar
Orange Level Joined: 14 Sep 2009 Location: Michigan Points: 7936 |
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This story was told by my father. During the Depression a local Farmer had an egg route in a larger town. He was a known woman chaser and if the ladies couldn't pay for the eggs he would propose a trade eggs for sex. One day he met the town Doctor on the street and was overheard asking Doc what could he do for a friend with the Clap? Knowing the Farmers reputation Doc said come to my office and pull your friend out of your pants and I'll see what I can do!
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desertjoe
Orange Level Access Joined: 23 Sep 2013 Location: New mexico Points: 13364 |
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Yep,,,its always your "friend" that gets a man,,,and also alot of women in serious trouble,,ain't it,,??
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plummerscarin
Orange Level Access Joined: 22 Jun 2015 Location: ia Points: 3203 |
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Chili story is great. Was in tears reading it
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desertjoe
Orange Level Access Joined: 23 Sep 2013 Location: New mexico Points: 13364 |
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Yeah,,,I attended a couple of big Chili Cookoffs down in Texas and after walkin around and smellin all those great smells,,,you can pay a $10 fee and get free (small) samples anywhere,,,It a damned good thing them is SMALL samples cause some of those samples will ruin your taste buds forever,,,, I like a moderate chili with some "Taste" instead of TOO MUCH DANG HEAT,,,,,
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DiyDave
Orange Level Access Joined: 11 Sep 2009 Location: Gambrills, MD Points: 50755 |
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"I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!"
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Source: Babylon Bee. Sponsored by BRAWNDO, its got what you need!
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Dan Hauter
Orange Level Joined: 06 Feb 2011 Location: Carlinville, IL Points: 1223 |
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HILARIOUS!!!
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shameless dude
Orange Level Joined: 10 Apr 2017 Location: east NE Points: 13611 |
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pay $10. and get free chili??? must be a southern thing! lol
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darrel in ND
Orange Level Joined: 22 Nov 2009 Location: Hebron, ND Points: 8595 |
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ROTFLMAO! Kind of like paying the gas station 50 bucks and getting free gas, huh? Darrel |
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desertjoe
Orange Level Access Joined: 23 Sep 2013 Location: New mexico Points: 13364 |
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OK, OK, maybe I said it wrong,,,,but here's another one I got into just the other day,,,, I started getting some catalogs from Dr Leanerd and Carol Wright that have some really good stuff for handicap people plus some home items at fairly good prices,,,,you know for us "Thrifty" people,,,, Anyways I ordered 4 items and I noticed on the order blank "FREE SHIPPING ON ANY ITEM IN THIS CATALOG",,,but in the totaling up column, I see where they want $4.39 for COVID 19 SHIPPING SURCHARGE,, WTH?? ,,so I marked thru that and sent em a check without that "surcharge. I received 3 items and one was back ordered til January. But they went ahead and charged me for it,,along with an invoice for the $4.39 "Covid 19 Shipping Surcharge" !! I called em right quick and had a GOOD discussion with a pakanistani soundin fellar,,,and,,,he tells me," Don't you know we are in the middle of a Covid Pandemic?" I told him he was full of CHIT and the order blank says FREE SHIPPING ,,and if they were gonna try the False Advertising chit on me I would just CANCEL the whole friggin order!! THEN,,,,then the sob tells me if I cancel, I will have to pay return shipping!! I reminded him that the order blank ALSO states free returns up to 30 days and in fact there was a "FREE RETURN LABEL"in the frigging box, so there!! He finally gave up and said they would be issueing a credit for the remaining backordered item. I told him don't send NO MORE catalogs,,!!
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Gordy
Orange Level Access Joined: 12 Sep 2009 Location: SWMI Points: 2533 |
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One day, in an effort to help stir up a class full of listless students,Loretta asked the students to each come up and put on the blackboard something that had caused a lot of excitement around their houses lately.Of course, Dirty Johnny was the first student to raise his hand, but Loretta knew he was going to write something dirty, so she called on Nancy instead.Nancy went up to the board and drew a flower, stating that the flowers they’d planted that spring were all blooming, and that was causing a lot of excitement around their house.Loretta said, ‘That’s very nice, Nancy. Okay, who wants to go next?’Again, Dirty Johnny is waving up a storm in the back of the room, but Loretta doesn’t want to call on him because he’s going to write something dirty.Instead, she calls on little Timmy, who goes up to the board and draws a stick figure of an animal.‘What kind of animal is that?’ asks Loretta.‘ That’s a puppy,’ says Timmy.‘We just got one of those, and it’s caused a lot of excitement around our house lately.’‘ That’s very nice, Timmy,’ she replies.‘Who wants to go next?’Now Dirty Johnny is waving more than ever: finally unable to ignore him any longer, Loretta says,‘Okay, Johnny, you’re next.’Dirty Johnny goes up to the front of the classroom and draws a single dot on the board.‘What’s that?’ she asks (afraid of what the answer is going to be).‘That’s a per!od,’ answers Dirty Johnny.‘My sister’s missed two of those, and you can bet that’s caused a lot of excitement around OUR house!’ |
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“If you can't explain it simply, you don't understand it well enough”
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Clay
Orange Level Joined: 11 Sep 2009 Location: Udall, Kansas Points: 8940 |
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Where do turkeys go to dance?
The Butter Ball. Why can't a pirate say the entire alphabet? Because they get lost at 'C'. |
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desertjoe
Orange Level Access Joined: 23 Sep 2013 Location: New mexico Points: 13364 |
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Good one Gordy,,!! That little Johnny makes me think of ole Sham,,,,er,,,never mind,,,, I'm in enough trouble as it is,,,,,,,
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