Some Humor for the day (H)
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Topic: Some Humor for the day (H)
Posted By: Coke-in-MN
Subject: Some Humor for the day (H)
Date Posted: 02 Nov 2018 at 5:18pm
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A doctor that had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her life finally retired. At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her. As the doctor was looking through these his eyes grew wide as he realized Grandma had a prescription for birth control pills. "Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are birth control pills?" "Yes, they help me sleep at night." "Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely nothing in these that could possibly help you sleep!" She reached out and patted the young doctor's knee and said, "Yes, dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16-year-old Granddaughter drinks. And believe me it definitely helps me sleep at night." You gotta love Grandmas! A man was riding on a full bus minding his own business when the gorgeous woman next to him started to breast-feed her baby. The baby wouldn't take it so she said, "Come on sweetie, eat it all up or I'll have to give it to this nice man next to us." Five minutes later the baby was still not feeding, so she said, "Come on, honey. Take it or I'll give it to this nice man here." A few minutes later the anxious man blurted out, "Come on kid. Make up your mind! I was supposed to get off four stops ago!" Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk.' The question was worth 70 points or none at all. One student was hard put to think of seven advantages. He wrote: 1) It is perfect formula for the child. 2) It provides immunity against several diseases. 3) It is always the right temperature. 4) It is inexpensive. 5) It bonds the child to mother and vice versa. 6) It is always available as needed And then the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test he wrote: 7) It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough off the ground where the cat can't get it. He got an A+. A woman and her 12-year-old son were riding in a taxi in Chicago. It was raining and all the prostitutes were standing under awnings. "Mom," said the boy, "what are all those women doing?" "They're waiting for their husbands to get off work," she replied The taxi driver turns around and says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the truth? They're hookers, boy! They have sex with men for money." The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, "Is that true Mom?" His mother, glaring hard at the driver, answers "Yes." After a few minutes the kid asks, "Mom, if those women have babies, what happens to them?" She said, "Most of them become taxi drivers." An elderly, but hardy cattleman from Texas once told a young female neighbor that if she wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder on her oatmeal each morning. She did this religiously and lived to the ripe old age of 103. She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 21 great-grandchildren, five great-great-grandchildren and a 40 foot HOLE where the crematorium used to be. ------------- Life lesson: If you’re being chased by a lion, you’re on a horse, to the left of you is a giraffe and on the right is a unicorn, what do you do? You stop drinking and get off the carousel. |
Replies:
Posted By: thendrix
Date Posted: 02 Nov 2018 at 6:53pm
 those are good ones Coke------------- "Farming is a business that makes a Las Vegas craps table look like a regular paycheck" Ronald Reagan |
Posted By: FloydKS
Date Posted: 02 Nov 2018 at 9:14pm
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Agreed, got me to laughing. ------------- Holding a grudge is like taking poison and expecting the other person to die |
Posted By: Hubert (Ga)engine7
Date Posted: 02 Nov 2018 at 9:38pm
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X2. Good ones! ------------- Just an old country boy saved by the grace of God. |
Posted By: chaskaduo
Date Posted: 03 Nov 2018 at 9:11am
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X3 especially the bus and taxi rides. ------------- 1938 B, 79 Dynamark 11/36 6spd, 95 Weed-Eater 16hp, 2010 Bolens 14hp |
Posted By: tadams(OH)
Date Posted: 03 Nov 2018 at 2:25pm
| Love them all |
Posted By: JC-WI
Date Posted: 03 Nov 2018 at 3:02pm
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Laughed at every one of them... Thanks. ------------- He who says there is no evil has already deceived himself The truth is the truth, sugar coated or not. Trawler II says, "Remember that." |
Posted By: Ted J
Date Posted: 03 Nov 2018 at 3:50pm
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NOW, IF,,,,,, I could only remember them...... ------------- "Allis-Express" 19?? WC / 1941 C / 1952 CA / 1956 WD45 / 1957 WD45 / 1958 D-17 |
Posted By: Clay
Date Posted: 10 Nov 2018 at 7:31pm
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Do you fart in bed?? A couple had been happily married for years. The husband had a habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke and the noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air. Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor, she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out. The years went by and he continued to rip them out. One Thanksgiving day morning, as she was preparing the turkey for dinner while he was upstairs sound asleep. She looked at the innards, neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts, and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling the bed covers back, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts. Sometime later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bath room. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good. About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, “Honey you were right… all these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you.” “What do you mean?” asked his wife. “Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened, but by the grace of god, some Vaseline and two fingers. I think I got most of them back in…….............…..” |
Posted By: Kurt WI
Date Posted: 11 Nov 2018 at 6:20am
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Lol ------------- WD D17D 170 190xt 190xtIII 200 7020 |
Posted By: desertjoe
Date Posted: 11 Nov 2018 at 8:06am
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GOOD ONE,,,,,
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Posted By: Ted J
Date Posted: 11 Nov 2018 at 10:56pm
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That one I heard Clay, but it's still good. Picture in your mind......... ------------- "Allis-Express" 19?? WC / 1941 C / 1952 CA / 1956 WD45 / 1957 WD45 / 1958 D-17 |
Posted By: desertjoe
Date Posted: 12 Nov 2018 at 5:32am
,,that one reminds me of the guy with the cucumber,,oh chit,,never mind,,,,,, |
Posted By: Stan IL&TN
Date Posted: 12 Nov 2018 at 9:10am
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Those were all great. Thanks guys! 😆 ------------- 1957 WD45 dad's first AC 1968 one-seventy 1956 F40 Ferguson |
Posted By: Ken in Texas
Date Posted: 12 Nov 2018 at 2:02pm
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A plus for bottle feeding babies is ? Less chance of the baby getting cigarette ashes in its eyes. Six Texans who thought they knew each other pretty well Joined together buying a hunting lease. All camped out together in separate tents and all had agreed to share responsibly with the camp chores. All except one. His suitcase was packed full of hard stuff. He began emptying bottle after bottle from day one. Laid in a drunkin stupor in his tent getting up now and then to poo. One of the other 5 killed a deer right close to the camp and If you haven't guessed by now poured the guts into the passed out drunks undershorts. Soon after dark the drunk went off into the night to poo. 2 hours passed and he finally came crawling back to his tent all sweaty and red in the face. His buds asked if he was ok. His reply was . I must have drank to much and all my guts fell out. But. With the help of the Good Lord and a forked stick I got them all back in.
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Posted By: Clay
Date Posted: 18 Nov 2018 at 2:20am
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Went out this year to a Halloween Party dressed as a chicken. Met a cute girl dressed as an egg. A lifelong question was answered. It was the chicken. |
Posted By: Ted J
Date Posted: 18 Nov 2018 at 8:39am
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Thanks Clay, that's a load off my mind... Even if it's TMI.....hehehe ------------- "Allis-Express" 19?? WC / 1941 C / 1952 CA / 1956 WD45 / 1957 WD45 / 1958 D-17 |
Posted By: darrel in ND
Date Posted: 18 Nov 2018 at 8:41am
| Poor chicken! Darrel |
Posted By: Wayne180d
Date Posted: 18 Nov 2018 at 10:36am
| Did you scramble the egg well. |