Shops, Barns, Varmints, and Trucks - anybody need a laugh,,,

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anybody need a laugh,,,

Printed From: Unofficial Allis
Category: Other Topics
Forum Name: Shops, Barns, Varmints, and Trucks
Forum Description: anything you want to talk about except politics
URL: https://www.allischalmers.com/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=153182
Printed Date: 27 Aug 2025 at 3:11am
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Topic: anybody need a laugh,,,

Posted By: desertjoe
Subject: anybody need a laugh,,,
Date Posted: 19 Aug 2018 at 8:21pm

Reflections on 2018

1. My goal for 2018 was to lose 10 pounds. Only 15 to go.

2. Ate salad for dinner. Mostly croutons & tomatoes. Really just one big round crouton covered with tomato sauce. And cheese FINE, it was a pizza. I ate a pizza.

3. How to prepare Tofu:
a. Throw it in the trash
b. Grill some meat

4. I just did a week's worth of cardio after walking into a spider web.

5. I don't mean to brag, but I finished my 14-day diet food in 3 hours and 20 minutes.

6. A recent study has found women who carry a little extra weight live longer than men who mention it.

7. Kids today don't know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.

8. Senility has been a smooth transition for me.

9. Remember back when we were kids and every time it was below zero outside they closed school? Nah, me either.

10. I may not be that funny or athletic or good looking or smart or talented. I forgot where I was going with this

11. I love being over 80. I learn something new every day and forget 5 others.

12. A thief broke into my house last night. He started searching for money so I woke up and searched with him.

13. I think I'll just put an "Out of Order" sticker on my forehead and call it a day.

14. Just remember, once you're over the hill you begin to pick up speed.

#3 is for ole Shameless and oleLes,,,,,, LOL

Replies:

Posted By: desertjoe
Date Posted: 19 Aug 2018 at 8:30pm

'notherone,,,

Sperm Count at 71 Years Old......OLDER people have problems that you haven't even considered yet!

A 71-year-old man was requested by his Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'

The next day the 71-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this -- first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing' Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with her teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.

We even called up Arlene, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing ...'

The doctor was shocked! You asked your neighbor?'

The old man replied,"Yep, none of us could get the jar open."

Sad to grow old....

Posted By: Hubert (Ga)engine7
Date Posted: 19 Aug 2018 at 8:30pm

Some good ones! I resemble several of those.

-------------
Just an old country boy saved by the grace of God.

Posted By: desertjoe
Date Posted: 19 Aug 2018 at 8:37pm

OK,,maybe just a couple more,,,,, Wink

An older gentleman was on the
operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned
surgeon, perform the operation.
As
he was about to get the anesthesia, he asked to speak to his son.
"Yes,
Dad , what is it?"
"Don't
be nervous, son; do your best, and just remember, if it doesn't go well,
if something happens to me, your mother is going to come and live with you
and your wife...."

Posted By: darrel in ND
Date Posted: 19 Aug 2018 at 9:07pm

Good ones, Joe! I can relate to number 12. Number 3 also. Darrel

Posted By: shameless dude
Date Posted: 19 Aug 2018 at 9:51pm

wow! something to always look forward to! now I spose i'll hafta stock sum tofu for when ole Joe gits here!

Posted By: chaskaduo
Date Posted: 19 Aug 2018 at 10:36pm

I don't get it.

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1938 B, 79 Dynamark 11/36 6spd, 95 Weed-Eater 16hp, 2010 Bolens 14hp

Posted By: Sugarmaker
Date Posted: 20 Aug 2018 at 3:36am

Made me chuckle!

Regards,

Chris

-------------
D17 1958 (NFE), WD45 1954 (NFE), WD 1952 (NFE), WD 1950 (WFE), Allis F-40 forklift, Allis CA, Allis D14, Ford Jubilee, Many IH Cub Cadets, 32 Ford Dump, 65 Comet.

Posted By: Tbone95
Date Posted: 20 Aug 2018 at 8:25am

chaskaduo wrote:

I don't get it.

Your favorite comeback for stuff like this, eh?

Posted By: chaskaduo
Date Posted: 20 Aug 2018 at 10:30am

Sorry for my sarcastic humor. I'll try to curb it.

I do enjoy the jokes on here.

Get it.

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1938 B, 79 Dynamark 11/36 6spd, 95 Weed-Eater 16hp, 2010 Bolens 14hp

Posted By: Ted J
Date Posted: 20 Aug 2018 at 10:33am

Yep, I resemble a lot of those.....

The jar opening sure had me going!

-------------
"Allis-Express"
19?? WC / 1941 C / 1952 CA / 1956 WD45 / 1957 WD45 / 1958 D-17

Posted By: Tbone95
Date Posted: 20 Aug 2018 at 10:38am

chaskaduo wrote:

Sorry for my sarcastic humor. I'll try to curb it.

I do enjoy the jokes on here.

Get it.

No need to apologize or curb anything......just an observation. Guess I'm the one who should apologize.

Posted By: chaskaduo
Date Posted: 20 Aug 2018 at 12:04pm

Absolutely nothing to apologize for Tbones.

-------------
1938 B, 79 Dynamark 11/36 6spd, 95 Weed-Eater 16hp, 2010 Bolens 14hp

Posted By: tadams(OH)
Date Posted: 20 Aug 2018 at 1:02pm

They all explain the golden years.

Posted By: Clay
Date Posted: 20 Aug 2018 at 9:43pm

Three friends married women from different parts of the world.
The first man married a Greek girl. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man married a Thai. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn’t see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man married a girl from Texas. He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal.

The first day he didn’t see anything, the second day he didn’t see anything either but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.
He still has some difficulty when he pees.

Posted By: JohnCO
Date Posted: 20 Aug 2018 at 10:16pm

I've heard about those Texas women!

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"If at first you don't succeed, get a bigger hammer"
Allis Express participant

Posted By: chaskaduo
Date Posted: 20 Aug 2018 at 10:36pm

I wanna say something.

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1938 B, 79 Dynamark 11/36 6spd, 95 Weed-Eater 16hp, 2010 Bolens 14hp

Posted By: desertjoe
Date Posted: 21 Aug 2018 at 1:59am

Well..I'm gettin glad mine comes from the far north,,,cause,,,,cause,,they's generally pretty easy to get,,,,,UMmmmm,,they's easy to get along with,,,IF you just do as they sa,,,UMMmmmm,,,let's see what she told me to say,,,,,,,, Wink

Posted By: tadams(OH)
Date Posted: 21 Aug 2018 at 2:47pm

Better get it right Joe or you might not be able to see out of either eye.