18 clowns in a tiny car...

OTTUMWA, IA—Presidential candidate Joe Biden promised to cure cancer if he is elected president, a strange claim since essential oils already exist and have been shown to cure cancer by studies performed by obscure mom blogs across the internet.

"I promise to cure cancer if I'm elected," he said, showcasing his baffling ignorance. It's like he doesn't even know that a few whiffs of lemon extract and lavender and your cancer goes away on its own. It's pretty frightening how out-of-touch Biden is on this one. He likely doesn't even have an essential oils starter kit or some handy rollers in his pockets.

The real question is whether Biden is in the pocket of Big Pharma. He probably is, since he made bold claims like curing cancer and totally ignored all the mom-reviewed research studies that show there's already a cure for cancer, consisting mostly of mixing up a bunch of essential oils and breathing them in through a diffuser you can buy from some lady at your church at full retail price.

If you'd like to know more about how essential oils can cure all forms of cancer, don't worry, the lady at your church will be approaching you soon whether you want to talk about it or not

U.S.—Democrats have made vows to place extreme restrictions on guns, but they keep running into a problem: Many of their ideas can’t go into effect because of an early addendum to the Constitution. They’re now calling this the “Second Amendment loophole.”

“We just want to get guns off the streets,” Cory Booker, one of 583 presidential candidates, told the press, “but this Second Amendment loophole makes it so we can’t do that. We need to close that loophole.”

The way many gun control advocates would like things to work is, if they read in the New York Times about a particular gun model they think is scary--like an AR-15 or a semi-automatic or a glue gun--they could then just go ahead and ban it and start taking it from people. Normally things would work this way with anything else, but thanks to the Second Amendment loophole, they can’t just ban guns because they feel like it.

Closing the Second Amendment loophole won’t be easy, though, as it will take two-thirds of the states to sign on, a nearly impossible task. This sort of thing has also blocked many other politicians' brilliant plans, something they refer to as the “Federalism loophole.”

NEW YORK, NY—On a talk show Monday evening, Joe Biden promised his followers he would eradicate all disease, pain, suffering, and that he would even vanquish death itself.

During a heated Democratic primary in which candidates have been tripping over themselves to offer their followers more and more outlandish promises and just straight-up cash, Biden made the promise to stand out and hopefully cinch the nomination.

"While my fellow candidates think they can cure cancer, the common cold, or smallpox, I myself will go one step further," he said, the audience of the late-night show on the edge of their seats. "I promise, here and now, to give everyone who votes for me abundant life, and life everlasting. For my yoke is easy, and my taxes are---well, they're gonna be pretty heavy. But still."

The crowd began screaming in joy, with several audience members fainting. Biden personally walked through the crowd and massaged several fainted women back to life.

"There will be no more debt, no more death, no more pain, for the former things will have passed away," he said tenderly as he took his seat once again. "I will wipe every tear from their eyes."

"There will be sorrow no more."

MIAMI, FL—A spare empty podium and microphone set up backstage at the Democratic debate this evening is projected to win the event "hands down" according to experts.

"This spare podium and microphone won't say anything stupid, won't vow to take more of your money away, and won't promise voters to meddle in your lives," said one commentator. "The podium's policy positions are hard to argue with. You don't have to deal with Warren's reparations, Biden's empty promise to cure cancer, or Bernie's plan to cancel all student debt."

"In a lot of ways, the empty podium may win over everybody tonight," the commentator continued. "I know it has my vote."

Should the podium win the Democratic primaries, it will face Donald Trump in the general election. While Trump has had some success in the White House, experts believe that the empty podium, consisting of nobody at all, is likely to beat out Trump as the ideal leader of our nation.